One cheapster’s rants and miserly woes
Since the beginning of our country’s recent economic turmoil, I’ve seen my net worth shrink by tens of thousands of dollars. It’s kind of shitty suddenly finding yourself that much poorer, but for the most part I’m kind of enjoying this recession. My lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I still live in my creeky little apartment with no furniture, I still drive a Hyundai, and I’m still a cheap bastard who gets annoyed about the $1.50 doughnut at Starbucks. Spending money stresses me out, and I’ve never had the urge to spend all my money. So being a couple ten thousand dollars poorer made no difference in my life.
In many ways my life has got better since the recession. First of all, everything has gotten cheaper at the malls. Since everyone’s broke, the stores are marking down their prices to ridiculously low levels. I can finally go to the mall and not be disgusted at the $40 T-shirt because those $40 T-shirts are now selling for $10 on the clearance ranks. Now that everything in the stores is cheap, I can actually enjoy shopping. After years of shopping for clothes at Mervyns, I now have a small collection of brand name clothing I got off the clearance racks. I still look shitty in these new clothes, but at least I can now blend in with all the subprime Americans. I even walked into an Abercrombie & Fitch store for the first time in my life. The giant picture of the naked man by the door was usually enough to scare me away, but I decided to walk in anyway just to see if there were any good bargains. I found a dress shirt for $16 and thought about buying it, but I decided against it because I would lose my cheapster street creed.
For years I have been ridiculed for shunning excess consumption, and living within my means. People would say to me, “Why are you driving a Hyundai? Why don’t you buy a house? You really need to upgrade your wardrobe.” Despite the criticism from my peers, I stuck to my moral conviction and stayed true to my miserly ways. I was resigned to the fact that mocking and ridicule was just the price to pay for living an alternative lifestyle. But a funny thing happened after the recession. I don’t think I’m the deviant anymore. The recession has proven my “alternative lifestyle” as absolutely the correct way of living. While the people who spent their bounty on cars, luxury condos, and designer clothes are struggling in crippling debt and depression, I’m still rich, bitch! I could quit my job tomorrow and still eat like a king. So fuck you all who mocked me for being cheap. As I sit here on top of a mountain of cash, it is now my turn to ridicule all you degenerate spendthrifts. I was right and you were wrong. You are poor and I am rich. I’m so glad the stupid bubble years are over. Now a cheap bastard like me can walk down the street with pride.
